Britney Re-Marries
This just in from CNN - Britney Spears did it again - she got married for the second time this year. You know what that means! She's going to be on the cover of countless magazines, again! For doing nothing again! I'm not bitter, I'm just annoyed. Britney Spears has got to have the second highest ratio of popularity to un-talent in the nation (of course, number one is reserved for Paris Hilton). I wish I had the number of magazine covers Britney's been on during 2004.
This year alone, she has been married twice, had one of them nullified, cancelled a music tour because of a knee injury (that may have been last year) and failed to release any new music. I may be mistaken here, but I think that amounts to a whole lot of nothing. But I'd be willing to put money down (and being from Las Vegas I'm reluctant to wager on anything) that she has been on more American magazine covers than any other person this year. I'm sure Lindsay Lohan comes in a close second, but at least she had a movie to promote!
My point is, why can't we find out about people who are actually doing things, even if it's just their job. Why should I give a flying fuck that Britney Spears got married... for the second time this year? I didn't give a shit when it happened the first time. Or when she got it nullified. In fact, I was annoyed that I had to hear about any of it. Re-fuckin-diculous. By the start of 2005, I bet that Britney is either re-un-married (read: this marriage is nullified or ends in divorce) OR a sex-tape begins circulating. Either of these two things, or something along their lines will happen by the end of 2004 which catapults her back to the covers of magazines and America's consciousness.
This being said, what I want is very simple. I just want to be able to buy groceries without having her person staring back at me.
On that note, I'd like to share a couple of theories with you.
1) Two years ago, Britney's publicist had numerous alterations made to herself so as to look as much like Britney Spears as modern cosmetic surgery would allow. Ten months ago, after the healing was complete, she had Britney killed (use your imagination as to how). The body was disposed of, and the publicist slipped into place. No one, except maybe the deadly assassin hired to take care of the real Britney, was the wiser. I would put forth that their communications were solely over the phone, and so the assassin and the publicists (aka Fake Britney) don't know what each other look like.
After taking her role as Britney, she "injured her knee" so as to be unable to tour musically. That brought the media spotlight directly on her and she loved it. A little too much. She began craving it. She was addicted. After coming down from the publicity high, she wanted more. She needed it. And decided the best way to thrust herself back into it was a quickie Vegas marriage. And it worked! A just-as-quickie nullification kept her there for a while, and she ever-so slowly came down from her high. This most recent marriage is a result of withdrawal. Bam. She's back in business. We won't have to deal with her for a few more months.
But this all begs the question...
What's next for fake Britney? Divorce? Retirement from "Music"? Surgery and the disposal of Lindsay Lohan? Only time will tell.
2) When Lindsay Lohan burst onto the scene in 2003, she was simply Frankie Muniz with a wig on. She turned into an overnight success, but Frankie's schedule was too busy to allow him to keep up with the facade, and he himself was too successful with the Cody Banks franchise to continue. Lucky for him, in the future Delta Burke will have herself cloned and sent back through time. The clone, whose name is in fact Lindsay Lohan managed to be cast in the most recent The Parent Trap remake. She simply had to wait until Frankie Muniz made Lindsay Lohan a household name. Then she slipped into character, as it were. And that's that.
Am I full of it, or do my theories hold water? You be the judge.
Seriously, tell me what you think!
This year alone, she has been married twice, had one of them nullified, cancelled a music tour because of a knee injury (that may have been last year) and failed to release any new music. I may be mistaken here, but I think that amounts to a whole lot of nothing. But I'd be willing to put money down (and being from Las Vegas I'm reluctant to wager on anything) that she has been on more American magazine covers than any other person this year. I'm sure Lindsay Lohan comes in a close second, but at least she had a movie to promote!
My point is, why can't we find out about people who are actually doing things, even if it's just their job. Why should I give a flying fuck that Britney Spears got married... for the second time this year? I didn't give a shit when it happened the first time. Or when she got it nullified. In fact, I was annoyed that I had to hear about any of it. Re-fuckin-diculous. By the start of 2005, I bet that Britney is either re-un-married (read: this marriage is nullified or ends in divorce) OR a sex-tape begins circulating. Either of these two things, or something along their lines will happen by the end of 2004 which catapults her back to the covers of magazines and America's consciousness.
This being said, what I want is very simple. I just want to be able to buy groceries without having her person staring back at me.
On that note, I'd like to share a couple of theories with you.
1) Two years ago, Britney's publicist had numerous alterations made to herself so as to look as much like Britney Spears as modern cosmetic surgery would allow. Ten months ago, after the healing was complete, she had Britney killed (use your imagination as to how). The body was disposed of, and the publicist slipped into place. No one, except maybe the deadly assassin hired to take care of the real Britney, was the wiser. I would put forth that their communications were solely over the phone, and so the assassin and the publicists (aka Fake Britney) don't know what each other look like.
After taking her role as Britney, she "injured her knee" so as to be unable to tour musically. That brought the media spotlight directly on her and she loved it. A little too much. She began craving it. She was addicted. After coming down from the publicity high, she wanted more. She needed it. And decided the best way to thrust herself back into it was a quickie Vegas marriage. And it worked! A just-as-quickie nullification kept her there for a while, and she ever-so slowly came down from her high. This most recent marriage is a result of withdrawal. Bam. She's back in business. We won't have to deal with her for a few more months.
But this all begs the question...
What's next for fake Britney? Divorce? Retirement from "Music"? Surgery and the disposal of Lindsay Lohan? Only time will tell.
2) When Lindsay Lohan burst onto the scene in 2003, she was simply Frankie Muniz with a wig on. She turned into an overnight success, but Frankie's schedule was too busy to allow him to keep up with the facade, and he himself was too successful with the Cody Banks franchise to continue. Lucky for him, in the future Delta Burke will have herself cloned and sent back through time. The clone, whose name is in fact Lindsay Lohan managed to be cast in the most recent The Parent Trap remake. She simply had to wait until Frankie Muniz made Lindsay Lohan a household name. Then she slipped into character, as it were. And that's that.
Am I full of it, or do my theories hold water? You be the judge.
Seriously, tell me what you think!
posted by The @ 4:45 PM
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